Diary of a Mouse Living in 1.6.07 - 4th day (3)

Court house is an old computer chassis brought from the first floor. I remember the day it was carried up here by twenty faithful comrades. I was one of them, handsome and strong Snow with infinite dreams of youth, with handful of imaginations for his future. This place is also where I met my wife first time. In those days, she was a comrade too, fully loyal to the prospective revolution and the great leader. In fact, I must confess she was more active than me in those days. Then time took her enthusiasm from her and gave to me. She was thrown away from the purity of revolutionary ideas and ended up with rats, with their never-ending lies to exploit our sources.

At the gate of the court house it is written “Powered by Intel” but they have crossed out the word “Intel” and next to it they wrote “Truth”. I entered the court slowly with the shackles on my leg clinking through my steps. The mice around were staring at me as if they were staring at a spoiled wound or a gangrenous leg. I tried not to pay attention to their prying eyes as I needed to concentrate on my thoughts in order to defend myself clearly in the court. But at that moment, I heard a familiar voice, a voice that I can never forget even if years pass, a voice that I can single out even if it comes among one thousand other voices. This was the voice of my ex-wife and the idea of having her in the court made me suspicious. What was she doing here? Didn’t she flee to live under the protective wings of the rats? Didn’t she betray the revolution once she believed the most? I looked around to see her but inside was too crowded. There were so many mice who are extremely curious about this trial.

When I reach the point where I was supposed to stand up in front of the great leader, I saw her before my eyes. She did not seem guilty at all. In fact, she had more stars on her shoulders than many other officials in the room. Once she got close enough to hear my voice, I asked her “What the hell are you doing here? Didn’t you leave me and my children for your dear rat friends? How dare can you enter this courtroom as if you have not done anything wrong?” She did not seem irritated by the cloudburst of angry questions. Her gesture was calm, her standing was firm. She looked into my eyes and said “I neither left you nor my children. I was given a job, a secret job by the great leader and I needed to do it for the sake of our future.” I thought a few seconds on whether what she was saying could be true or not but I was upset after all those lonely nights so I did not want to be bent so easily. Even if it was true, how could she possibly let us suffer like this? Couldn’t she let me know that she was doing a secret spying? I was her husband! I could have kept the secrets! With an angrier voice, I said “You are not only a traitor, you are also a liar. But definitely, you are not a good one. I don’t believe a single word of what you have just said.” She was standing emotionlessly in front of me, looking very imperturbable, surprisingly tranquil. “I am not trying to convince you my dear Snow. It is up to you whether you believe me or not. However, I can assure you that I was a spy for the revolution, sent to the ratland by the Great Leader. My duty is over now so I am back with a lot of information which will be used in order to beat rats and create our just society free from rats. You can never know how much I miss my kids and my home. Every night I cried silently but I needed to be strong, I needed to let my tears flow inside me so that my children, if not perhaps them but their children will live without the fear of rats.”

I did not know what to say, dear diary! She missed her kids and her home but did not miss her husband! Say what she was telling me now is true. How can I forget in a second, all the pain it caused to me? Yes, I too want my kids having a free future, I too desire a society in which no one exploits another one’s labour. Perhaps, this is nothing compared to what many other comrades went through. They have been tortured, kept in prisons for years, died in prisons, forced to live in exile... Maybe I should let it go, take it easy and forgive her. But she does not even ask for forgiveness. I was in conflicting thoughts. With that state of discombobulated mind I asked her “Do you still love me? Can we get back together again?” She smiled but I knew this smile did not mean a positive answer. It was more like a pitying stare, like the sort of eyes trying not to hurt me...She waited for a few seconds and said “No, comrade Snow. Unfortunately we cannot get back together. Time is cruel and during my secret duty, I fell in love with another spy who is one rank higher than me. I cannot get back to you now. We made plans and this is one of the reasons I have come here today. You are an unaccountable mouse. Look what you have caused in last 3-4 days! How can I trust you and live with you? How can I leave my kids with you?”

So dear diary, what do you think a male mouse should do in such a weird moment? I at least respected her honesty. She was straightforward and courageous. She did not try to go around and made it more complicated for both of us. But still, no matter where the arrow comes from, it hurts terribly and blood oozes down through my skin to create a picture of misery which no one can ignore. I stood there, trying to escape from her sympathetic stares and waiting for my mind to get settled. Yes, in one day I had two broken hearts and I was still alive. Perhaps, I should change the title on the cover of this diary and write “The Chronicle of Broken Hearts”. It will be catchier too. I was sad, devastated, broken, hurt but not dead yet. I needed to have strength to go through what was ahead of me. There was one more question I wanted to ask but I was afraid of the answer. I knew the answer and I did not want to hear it from her. Why was she here, in the court? Why did she just come to meet me here today, right before the trial?

Yes, dear diary! It is true! She is here for two more reasons. First, she will make sure that she will take care of my kids after I am taken to prison or sent to exile. When the judge asks, she will be available in front of everyone in the court, claiming in the case of my absence, my children will not suffer at all. Secondly, she is here as a witness. If the court needs to know more about my reckless lifestyle or my thoughts against the great leader’s ideas, she would be the finest source to feed them. So I knew her motivation now and being a shackled mouse, I was helpless. I asked her to leave me alone so that I can have my own time. She touched my hand in a consoling way, smiled once more and walked back to the one of the seats at the front. As soon as she sat, the representative of the great leader (the supreme judge) and three judges entered the court room. The noise stopped immediately and everyone stood up. I was already standing so just stared at those who are entering the room and wished for the justice to win.

To be continued...