Diary of a Mouse Living in 1.6.07 - 4th day (1)

May 11^th 20.. – Wednesday – 23:55

Diary,

Here I am, writing again. I am writing because this is the least I can do. Those who know how to live and enjoy living are outside, sucking the fun of life and exploiting every moment of time passing above them. I am doing nothing but writing, like an injured soldier, banned from fighting, sitting in the barracks and waiting for good news from the battleground... If my injury is physical, I would know that time will heal it sooner or later. When the injury is deep inside my soul I know that there is no cure but there is only morphine to mitigate the pain. I wish it was only pain of love then I would feel comfortable at least for no one else is involved. But there is more to it. There is ignorance, negligence and there is carelessness which causes big, unrepairable damages to me and my community. It is easy to forgive someone who hurt you but it is not easy to forgive oneself for what you have done to others. The guilt growing on your shoulders make you weaker and weaker everyday. You shrink to a tiny mouse and finally disappear from the society as if you have never lived. Perhaps, this is why I write, to leave evidence behind my life, some innocent tracks which might change the minds of millions who will come after me and will listen to the history’s harsh judgments.

I am getting tired, dear diary, getting more and more desperate. Many things happened in last two days. I know that the other name of love is hope but I don’t know how long more I can hold after causing all these troubles both for myself and for my comrades. Let me start from beginning:

Tuesday morning I woke up early –actually I felt I didn’t sleep at all- to feed the babies. While I was giving them their breakfast, one mouse from the revolutionary committee appeared next to the air conditioner pipe where we are living at the moment. He greeted me, gave me a letter, greeted me again and left without saying a word. I was scared of the formality of the procedure. It was like I received an execution verdict and he was so sad that he could not utter a word. Perhaps, that was the order. Any word coming out of his mouth would be his responsibility so he preferred to be quiet and let the letter speak.

The letter was short and straightforward. For the history records, I am writing it word by word:

Comrade Snow,

Yesterday and last night we have lost three mice in the room 1.6.07 and two mice in 1.6.04. This is a terrible loss for us. Especially when we need the unity and solidarity of mice in order to look strong in front of the rats, our ideological enemies, I cannot express how deeply we are concerned about this big loss. It seems our human enemies suspect some extraordinary movements of mice and they prepare counter attacks to assassinate each one of us till no mouse remains in the higher floors of the building.

Moreover, our intelligence agency reported me that you have been seen in the office floor when the people are around and awake. This is an obvious violation of the security rules. In addition, the same report mentions that there is a suspected love affair between you and a human female office employee. This is also a big violation of the third principle.

In addition to all of these, I have been informed that you did not attend the committee meeting and started behaving sluggishly in recent days.

For the safety of all mice community and the future of our revolution, you are summoned to defend yourself in front of the Great Leader. If you are found guilty, you will be punished according to the law.

Two policemice will come to your door at 3 pm today and will bring you to the court where the Great Leader and two independent judges will be present. Until the time of the court hearing, the policemouse who brought this letter to you will proctor the surrounding area of your house and will not let you leave your home.

Long live the solidarity of mice till the bright days of the revolution arrives,

The Great Leader

So my diary, how should I feel after reading such a dark letter? I was accused of three crimes two of which I didn’t care. But the first one hurt me more than the strongest mouse trap can hurt my white belly. Five mice are killed by the humans because of the alert they have raised after my irresponsible actions. I wish there was an interstice on the ground and I could disappear inside forever. I wish end of the world was today and there will be no more day to disgrace me. I wish I have never seen that woman in my life and kept my simple life as a servant of the future revolution...

But my diary, what is the point of regretting after doing wrong? Love is a sweet poison. Once it is inserted into your veins, it makes you drunken and then kills you slowly. Here I am, the living proof of this, a living but soon-to-die proof of the venomous love...

I did not want to go out all day, wanted to stay with my kids, fed them with the cookies I stole from 1.6.07 last night and wanted to cry silently. I waited for the time to strike 3 pm so that I can go in front of the great leader and clean myself if such a thing possible after having the blood of five comrades smeared to my hands, perhaps to my heart... I waited in my room, leaned towards the AC pipe and looked out the window. Of course, the more I have waited, the more my mind relaxed. The sky was so blue all morning. There was not a single cloud. The clarity of the day, the vast blueness of the horizon, the sparkling green of the top of the trees made my thoughts scattered widely and prodded me towards her again. I could not stop myself thinking of her and wondering what she is doing now. I was sure she hated me but perhaps I still had one last chance to prove myself to her and make a peaceful attempt for the future of human-mouse brotherhood. So I decided to see her one more time. If I fail this time too, I will never betray to my mousehood again...

I sneaked out my place and found my way to the ceiling of the room 1.6.07. She wasn't there yet so I spent some time observing other teachers and listening to their office talks.

To be continued...