Letters from Vietnam 44

31 October 2006 – 18:34 – HCMC

What am I supposed to do if I don’t write? I told A that I am giving one-week break to writing in order to listen myself and have a better start after a quiet week but soon later I noticed that it is almost impossible to stop writing? First, I need something else to make myself busy so that I can maintain my distance from writing. I know that what I write on my blog can not be considered as creative writing and I know that all blog entries do not worth more than a single short story. However, my purpose in keeping the blog does not contradict with this insufficiency. Basically, I am keeping the blog just because I can not create fiction. The day I can start writing stories again, probably I will either ignore the blog or quit keeping it totally. I don’t know what keeps me away from writing in last few years. I lost my old glorious days of “sitting in a quiet room and stay motionless until finishing the work”. Now, I am more impatient, more amateur, and duller in terms of creating something artistic.

I can also judge myself with this claim: I am keeping the blog because I am lazy to imagine fiction. One easily accepts that keeping a journal is much easier than writing fiction since writing the life only has nothing to do with art. It could be either history or observation. Because art is a recreation of life, not the life itself and it can be shown in a story. Years pass and people die. We may not know how Dostoyevsky lived his life day by day but we all know how Raskolnikov killed two women. Because Dostoyevsky lived a real life and it is definitely less interesting than fictious life of Raskolnikov. Some people might want to read Dostoyevsky’s journals but again the reason for this would be Raskolnikov. Dostoyevsky’s life is important to the readers because he is such a great writer who once created Raskolnikov brilliantly.

Right now there are many half stories waiting to be completed but I have no idea how I can make them full stories. I should stop blogging and start worrying about creating characters but this itself is a big problem in these days. My biggest problem is being away from the sources of my first language. I have not read a beautiful paragraph in Turkish for almost six months. The only Turkish I read is the news from Internet sites. As it can be imagined Turkish newspapers do not have a fantastic way of giving news to the readers. I guess this only makes me thirstier because the bad Turkish and usually bad grammar keep me more away from the beauty of the language. I sometimes read online magazines on the Net but except for a few, they are also usually not very well-designed in terms of the way they use the language. Writing in Turkish now is scary as if I am walking in a lake where I do not know the depth of the water for my next step. I am not confident… Then why am I writing in English? It is because I have an excuse if someone says “stop writing bullshit”. I can tell him/her that this is not my first language and I have right not to write beautifully. This inferiority complex makes everything more imbalanced for me. The more I write in English, the more I feel inferior in writing English because I will never be confident in writing English and I am definitely sure that neither my English nor my imaginary writing skills improve by this way.

Now I can think of only one solution: Stop reading/writing English and start practicing writing in Turkish again as if I am discovering my language again. This definitely might help me if I can keep going and supporting myself with good stories from the Net. Of course, I will read and write English at work and for e-mails/letters to friends but other than that I will only use Turkish for writing fiction.

* * *

J is coming this Thursday. I am very happy since at least there will be someone to talk with at home. It may not seem so good in terms of writing but who cares! What did I write when she was away? Nothing! Then I should stop thinking that loneliness is necessary for writing. It is a relatively concept. I need her and I need her presence beside me while I am busy with writing. Her presence is enough to keep me working on rational works.

What else? What else? What else?

Nothing else… I want to read some stories from online magazines and go to bed early…

This is all I want to do now!!!

I have three classes tomorrow…