Vacation in Thailand - Day 6

12 October 2006 – Chaiyapum – 23:51

Grandmother passed away at 9:05 pm. I and J were sitting in the living room. I was reading Lodge’s novel and she was looking at the TV. Then the phone rang. J’s mother called her to her uncle’s house where grandmother was staying. She was in very critical condition. I said to J that I am coming with you. There was no reaction! She did not say anything. I started to motorcycle and we were in the other house in less than 2 minutes.

The house was filled with more than twenty people. Three daughters of grandmother were sitting beside the bed and holding grandmother’s body. The sons and son-in-laws either running around for some arrangements or standing still. The eldest son who has a paralyzed leg and an arm, was sitting on a wooden sofa far from the grandmother. It was impossible not to feel the grief once I entered to the room. I first hesitated to enter the room because I was unaware of behaving in a room like this. Then I decided to enter. I stood still lvery near to the bed and watched grandmother’s face. She was in pain and rejecting all kind of medical treatment. There was nothing to do for the people there other than waiting for the end. I saw all the daughters and daughters of daughters were crying. No men seem to be emotional except for the eldest son. In his silent look, he seemed weak and helpless.

Although there was a great grief in the room, the people waiting outside were behaving quite differently. I heard some people were laughing loudly. A kid –one of the grandsons- was playing a computer game. Nobody was blaming others for not being respectful to the patient. I found this very interesting because in my culture the kids are not even allowed to the room of dying person. They are not allowed to witness death. However, in this culture, death is part of an ongoing process of life. Everybody can watch the patient and his/her last breath.

Soon time arrived! Grandmother gave her last breath with the tears dropping from the eyes of her daughters and granddaughters. I was still standing without knowing what to do and where to go. I put my arms crossed on my chest with the same feeling of weakness. I did not know where to put them so to bind them on my chest was the easiest way. Somebody before my eyes gave her last breath and there was nothing I could do other than watching her and the people around. Soon, people stopped crying. The oldest man in the room checked grandmother’s pulse and made sure that she is really not with us any more. Then, they prepared grandmother for bathing. I helped people to carry the things around. They first carried grandmother to the frontyard of the house. There, they cleaned her body with warm water. It was another amazing scene because everyone in the village was coming to have a look at the bathing ceremony. Some people were crying while others were laughing during the job. I was bewildered but somehow considered it as normal. After finishing the washing, they brought her body back to the same room. Daughters and the oldest man powdered her body, dressed her with clean clothes and put her eyeglasses on. She was ready for the funeral.

Then, the coffin came. I again helped to carry the coffin and put grandmother’s body inside. That was the only time I had a chance to touch her skin. Her body was still warm and very soft. It reminded me my wedding party where she tied white threads around my wrist while she prays for J and me. She devoted her last years in temple life and used to stay in a small temple away from the village. Last Songkran, we visited her in that temple and I poured water into her hands while she was murmuring her good wishes.

Then, we closed the cover of the coffin. One of the daughters brought a few personal belongings she used in her last days. A comb, a silver color metal belt, pillow etc… Some of them are put in the coffin and some are put in another plastic bag. I later heard from J that all these things will be burnt together with grandmother’s body. I was actually shocked with the speed of all this progress. They even did not wait for a medical doctor to declare the death. I remember my own grandmother’s death. After her last breath, everyone waited for a medical expert from city municipality to make sure that she is dead. Then they took her body to the nearest mosque for the final bathing. Here the process is very fast.

There were pictures of grandmother and her deceased husband on the walls of the room. Her husband also has died of a similar type of cancer long ago. When the big freezer arrived to the house, I again gave hand to carry it. It was very heavy but because at least ten men held it somehow, it did not take too long to install it in the room. By the time, we brought the freezer inside, oldest man and some grandmother’s son-in-laws were discussing the direction of the coffin and other details for the visitors. At the end, they agreed on a direction. We put the coffin inside the freezer. A monk who was long waiting outside came in and lit a big candle by the side of the freezer. The picture of grandmother was replaced beside the freezer. An electrician installed flashing colored lights on it. After all this work, the freezer reminded me colorful door of a karaoke bar –sorry for the analogy but this is what it reminded me, no offense!-. It was colorful with the density of yellow but flashing blues and reds were making it look very cheerful. People started to bow before the freezer one by one, lit a candlestick and pray for a few seconds. I did the same thing just after J did. Since I did not know what to say in my pray, I said a few Turkish words as a good wish. I wish I could come up with better things but in that time I could not figure out something deep and meaningful. If God really exists, I am sure He would understand all the languages and even the feelings of speechless people. I was one of them!

There were more people coming after me to say their good wishes. I sat beside the wall and watched the people. After a while, I realized that nothing else would happen. The older people made a circle to talk about the funeral issues. I saw J’s father writing the items to be purchased or to be done. I asked J if I can go home since I was feeling useless sitting beside the wall and looking at people’s faces without understanding what they were talking about. She gave me the keys for the house and now I am at home.

J just arrived at home with her two young nieces. They were taking baths now. I guess it is time to stop now and go to bed. I feel tired, physically and emotionally…