16th October 2006 – 15:11 – HCMC
My last day in the village was very lonely because the whole family was busy with the funeral preparation. J’s aunts went shopping and her father was busy with planning. J and one of her cousins came home in the afternoon to print the invitations for the funeral. I kept reading almost all day. In the evening, just one hour before the trip to Bangkok, I went to the house of grandmother to say goodbye to everyone. Actually, J’s parents wanted me to come because they wanted to take photos with the coffin. I went inside the house after greeting more than a dozen of people. We sat in front of the colourful freezer which was now covered with flowers and all sorts of flashing lights and our photos have been taken several times. I was totally against this thing but J forced me to do this because according to her this was a tradition. I thought it can be only a matter of advertising because they put our names on the flowers –including my name because J bought some- so we have to prove that we attended the funeral personally. I was confused with the “proof” part because I did not understand for who I have to prove that I was there!!! Another thing kept my mind busy was our appearances! Were we supposed to smile or look sad when the photo in front of a coffin taken? I am sure we should not smile with a grin on our faces but what is the point to make a fake sadness –since people around there were not sad any more, outside some men were playing gamble, some were drinking beer and whiskey- when others around were smiling. I tried to put a meaningless expression on my face and left the room as soon as the job was done. I thought about the grandmother at that moment. In her silence presence, death and life look almost the same to me. It was because those who did not die yet can also use the death for their own worldly benefits. She was wit us, not physically but somehow her death was managing the whole funeral business. Before leaving the room, I lit a candle one more time and wished her a good journey. Although people around were not sad –or not looking sad-, thinking that a real woman lying in that large freezer and soon her ashes will be the only thing left behind made me almost cry. It was difficult and it becomes more difficult when you think about it. I went back to car and J’s father drove to bus station…
The journey from Ban Then to Bangkok was terrible. It was scheduled at 9 pm but the bus came almost 30 minutes late. That was ok since the later I arrive Bangkok, the easier it will be for me to find a decent hotel. The smell of beer and glances of drunken eyes stroke me as soon as I stepped inside. People must be drinking to fall in sleep easily. Then, the lady who in charge of the seats showed me my place but there was a problem. The woman and her baby were covering two thirds of the double seats. There were so many things on the floor that it was impossible to extend my legs to front. J was outside, looking at me with her sad eyes. It was more difficult for her this time because of the recent events happened in the village. She cried a little when I hugged her outside and kissed her cheeks and forehead to keep her tears in the place where they belong to. I wish I could stay longer but I had to get back to Vietnam for my work on Monday morning. She will come here whenever she feels ready after the funeral… Probably, she will be here at the end of this month.
The baby was very cute and I spent a few minutes with playing with the baby and making him smile. This of course made the mother happy as well. However, the problems did not end. As soon as the bus took off, they turned the lights off. I was planning to finish Lodge’s novel in this trip and start a new book in Bangkok. They turned off all the lights so it was impossible to see anything if not trying to read! I was helpless again! Neither I could sleep because of the water container nor read a book because of the darkness, I asked the lady to change my place. She smiled and showed me another place which was beside a young woman. She even said something in English when I tried to move my backpack but I could not understand her accent. Then, the sound from the ceiling started to trouble me! It was not a small sound! It was like a drill working on a concrete wall and it did not stop until the bus arrived to Bangkok. So the entire night, I turned left and right, looked out the window, tried to figure out some stories, thought about J and her family… I did not sleep all night until 3 am. At 3 am, a couple from front seat got off the bus and I jumped on their seats. The sound was less intense in the front side and I had a larger space to put my body. I slept in that place for an hour. It was ironical because the girl who was sitting beside me in my second place came and woke me up.
I got off the bus and soon took a taxi. It was amazing that there was traffic at 4 am in Bangkok. The entrances of some junctions were full of taxis. I told the taxi driver to take me to somewhere near BTS and away from bars. In 20 minutes, we were in Nana. He showed me BTS and he left. I walked on the streets with my big bag on my back. It was another experience about Bangkok since I have never walked in the city streets this late –or this early- before. The roads were full of people coming from bars. There were so many foreigner men with their young, tiny Thai girlfriends. Actually, the word “girlfriend” is a little bit ambiguous here since it usually implies a serious relationship between partners. In Western countries, “girlfriend” and “wife” are almost the same things in some places like Holland, Austria and even England. In Thailand, people use the word “girlfriend” for the girls they met a few hours ago. I never used the word “girlfriend” for J. She was my friend, then became my “love”, then became “indispensable for me”, then became “wife”. I don’t like the word “girlfriend” just because it spoils the two single words, which make up the composition. “Girl” and “friend” have their own meaning but when they are put together, the meaning jumps over something very different.
It was amazing to see that how the hookers beside the road catcall me with the words “I love you!” At that moment, I thought about what she means by “I love you”. It reminded me the Vietnamese girl in Kubrick’ cult movie “Full Metal Jacket”. She was saying “Me love you long time!” The sentence “I love you” becomes a tool for communication in the early mornings of Bangkok, instead of being a tool for expression. When she says “I love you!” to a man she saw first time in her life, she means two things. One is obvious: I love your money! She might be seeing me as a sack of US Dollars! The second thing is deeper and more painful: She loves a man just because he passes through the road at that moment. She communicates with me by using the most cliché words she can ever imagine. Her voice sounds like a note on a window of a shop selling mobile phones or furniture. She says I am ready to be your slave for an hour or two as long as you pay me well! What she can give me is a big question! Other than an illusion or fear of self-denial! What makes her behave like this is seeing a white man walking on the street at 4 am in the morning. This is basically a summary of Bangkok in the nights. Daytime, it is very easy to spot 70 years old western men with 20 years old Thai girls. Some of these men are shy with the age of their partners so they don’t walk together. The men go in front and the girl follows him as if the entire city is a spy on their relationship and the distance between them protects him from being embarrassed. The man looks back every five seconds to watch his partner if she follows or not. What are they shy of is a mystery because Thai people think it as a normal thing. Nobody blames those girls as long as they make money for the country. They live a miserable life but they make good money comparing with the ones who work at the factories or in the rice farms. Does anybody care about the image of the country in international arena?
I walked through the road and saw a small hotel. I went inside and after a few seconds I left. What I have seen inside the lobby was enough for me to leave! There were three foreigner men and two Thai men at the reception. All were drunk. One foreigner was sitting on the reception desk and others were forcing him to drink more. They were probably the happiest creatures on the earth at that moment but this happiness was enough to make me to leave the place. I took another taxi and asked him –clearly and distinctly this time- to take me somewhere without bars, bargirls, drunken people etc… He took me to the other side of the city. Then, I checked in a small hotel which was relatively quiet and clean. At least, I haven’t seen any girl or drunken foreigner around when I checked in. I went to room and fell in sleep very easily. When I woke up, time was 12 o’clock.
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