The Contract

The Contract

13 years after Susan Boyle’s fifth failure (this last time she came third) in her attempt of winning the talent show, 7 years after China banned heterosexual marriage in order to control the exponential increase in the population and 1 year after Mongolia joined to European Union to make sure that a new bridge can be set up between shamanism and Christianity; a couple of mid-30s sat on their kitchen table to discuss the expiry of their marriage contract. At the beginning of the conversation, they were determined to solve the issues quietly so that the secrets they have kept for the last five years will still be kept as secrets. However, the plan did not work and soon after the old wounds came into the conversation, both of them started to hit ferociously to give the maximum damage. Man blamed her for her extra-contractual affair with a pianist who plays for charities and high-class orgies only. The woman blamed him for not taking care of the children as the contract requires, spending more time with his friends at the “Gentlemen’s Self-relief Club” than the time in the bed with her, not listening to her when she speaks in the kitchen while he is taking shower at the other corner of the house and of course sleeping on the coach while their two kids imitate the scenes from a 20th century horror movie with knives and hammers in their hands…

-Ok, it seems it does not work! Why don’t we start from the beginning?
-Beginning? What beginning? There will be no more beginning. From now on, we can only talk about the end… I will not sign a new contract.
-Alright! No worries. I won’t sign it either… So tell me who is that pianist? Why did you bring him to our house?
-I told you millions of times, he came to teach piano to our kids.
-In our bedroom? When the kids were at nursery? And we don’t even have a piano at home, for God’s sake.
-So?
-So what? How can he teach piano to our kids when they are not at home and we do not have a piano?
- I told you that we should buy a piano but you never liked the idea. Of course, there is no time after spending all your energy in that stupid Gentlemen’s Masturbation Club.
- It is Self-relief, not masturbation. If every man masturbates once a day, there will be less war in this world. It is a contribution to the world peace! And remember, we asked our lawyer if it violates the contract and he said no. It is a recreational club for men who work hard for their families and need some time to relax.
-Of course he will say no. He is a premium member of that club.
-Let’s get back to this pianist! Did you sleep with him?
-None of your business!
- It is my business! If I can prove it, the break-up contract will come up very easily and I won’t have any liability for the past five years and I can have my son with me because you are not a trustworthy mother.
-What about the damage you have caused?
-What damage? Are you kidding?
-Mental and physical damage! Look in five years; I gave birth to two children. I endured your sexual fantasies while taking care of the kids. Look at my breasts! They look like small cabbages…
- They were cosensual and according to the contract we signed 5 years ago, nothing is wrong with that. And I did not damage your breasts. I don’t even remember when I saw them last time. Ask your pianist for the compensation. And the children, I will take one and you will take one. That is fair.
- No way! Both are mine! You will pay for their schooling and will come to see them once a month, would be nicer if you come once a year or never come. That is it! I cannot let my child to learn all the bad habits from you. Drink, get drunk and sleep on the floor like a sack of wet potato, watch sports for 48 hours non-stop, sleep without taking shower, whistle in the backyard to attract the birds and then when the cats appear, kill the cats, pee into the neighbor’s garden while they were sleeping in a tent. Do you want your children behave like you?
-No I don’t. But I don’t want them to bring a pianist to our bedroom either. Especially when there is no piano at home! So what did he play here? Swan Lake or Eternal Climax?
- You keep changing the topic. I am talking about your carelessness, your self-indulgence in sports and animal sacrifices, your stupid toy collections… You even did not come to the hospital when our first child was born.
-I promised my friends at the club, could not break my promise! Plus, there is nothing in contract mentioning I have to be physically present at my child’s birth. I did my job 9 months before you give birth. If nature is unfair to us, I cannot help. Go and complain to God.
-You are an idiot! This is your child!!! Have you ever considered that?
-So does he play piano well? Better than me?
-You don’t play piano!
- Ha ha! You know what I mean! Huh, the lawyer came… Exactly on time! We were just talking about the piano. Do you play piano?
-What piano? I thought you called me for the break up contract. I brought it. It is 3 years contract with no liabilities for the both sides as long as another unification contract will be signed at the end of three years.
-No more unification! I cannot unify with someone who unified with another person in our bedroom.
-Shut up! Nothing happened!
-As you say so!
-Listen please! I know this is hard for both of you and especially for the kids. But get over it. It is just a contract. Life is going on. Have some time off, away from each other. Maybe you will feel each other’s absence after a while and will want to come back.
-Ohh! In my absence, she has someone to feel the space! Then I will never be able to beat him because he plays better piano than I do.
-Please, Mr.! It is done! What happened in the past happened. Maybe because you could not play the piano well so she brought a better pianist!
-Can we just not talk about the fucking piano or the pianist?
-So, we do not need any reason for breaking up because it seems you have completed your contract obligations successfully. Then I will just note it as “termination by performance”.
-What? Are you crazy? He knows nothing about being a good husband. And what about the kids? Who will take care of them?
-Well, according to your contract you are allowed to have only one kid. But you have two. In this case, law calls the situation as “act of God” and considers it as an accident.
-It wasn’t an accident. He did it deliberately so I will be off his sight for one year. It is his act, not God’s.
-It was an accident. It happens to everyone, right Mr. Lawyer? Sometimes you cannot pull on time. Especially if your woman’s finger nails stick into your buttock like the teeth of a dog crashes one’s thigh. Plus, it is her fault because she stopped taking contraceptives without telling me. So she wanted to have a second kid just to shut up the first one’s never-ending demands…
-Can we stay away from details? Some people may not be interested in your private lives.
-Private lives? You are our lawyer and you supposed to know the details so you can make a right decision.
-Yes, yes! She is right. I should tell you also how she enters the kitchen with a helmet on her head because she is afraid of the pressure cooker… Or how she asked me to make a hole in the bed to put her large belly inside so that she can sleep easily!
-What about you Mr. Smart? You are the one who farts in the nursery in front of the Japanese kids and their mothers… When the teacher warned you, you are the one saying “They are Japanese. They don’t understand”.
-Heyyyy! Let’s get back to the main topic. Who will take care of the kids? Since the second one is an accident, we can give him to a state-owned orphanage. The first one stays with mother.
-No way!!! I will not let my child to grow in an orphanage while both parents are alive. I am their mother and I can take care of them. Just make him to pay for their expenses.
- I will take my son, she will take our daughter. That is it.
-Mr. Lawyer! You see him! He is not even capable of taking care of himself. He cannot even pee into the toilet hole without messing up the entire bathroom.
-Only in the mornings Mr. Lawyer. And again, this is because she does not like having sex in the mornings. You understand what I mean, right?
-No I don’t… I don’t even want to understand.
-But Mr. Law…
-Shut up!
-Yes, shut up!
-I just terminated my 6-month contract with my 31st wife. In fact, I could not even wait till the expiry of the contract because she pukes on me whenever I sit in front of TV to watch “Antarctica got talent” show. So I gave up all the deposit.
-What was the deposit?
-Some expensive jewelry from 18th century I got from the 29th after she broke with me.
-So your 29th broke with you in the cost of jewelry. You are such a sweet man! Why would a woman want to divorce you?
-Ohhh! It is a long story but I can make it short for both of you. She had high cholesterol and consequently had some heart problems. Doctor banned her to smoke. Then she asked doctor if she can smoke after having orgasm. Not knowing what kind of hidden conspiracy is lying behind her request, the doctor gave the permission as one cigarette for each orgasm. Then our wild rhythm started. We started to have sex five times a day. Two in the morning, one during the lunch time –usually at a cheap motel near my office- and two before sleeping.
-Lucky bastard!
-Well, I thought so at the beginning but it was not the sex she wanted. It was the cigarette. As soon as she falls from her climax, she was having her cigarette, leaving me on the bed, with more hills to climb. And at that time I was 43 years old. As you can imagine, I was not a walking vibrator. After a few days of hard-work, one evening I told her that I cannot keep going like this. Next day she broke the contract and signed a new one with a nineteen-years-old boy.
-Wowww… That is how you got the jewelry from her.
- Yeah. It was the same jewelry I retrieved in my 30th contract successfully. Anyway, the important thing is now I am available.
-You are what?
-I am available.
-What is it supposed to mean? Are you proposing to my wife?
-Now, I became your wife! This must be the last trace of the evolution in your male pride…
-Shut up!
-Why not! I am sterile since birth! I cannot have children and I always wanted to have. Now, once you sign the break up contract with “termination by frustration” due to the child problem, you and I can sign a new marriage contract for next one year without waiting 6 more months as law requires for “termination by performance”. We can live in my house with your two kids. I have a nice garden and I also have a piano at home. But I don’t want a pianist at my home until the expiry of our contract. And you sir!, you can stay in this house and can come to visit the kids once a week. I can add all these items into the new marriage contract.
-Wait, wait, wait! I cannot believe this! You came here to end our marriage contract but now you are signing another contract, taking my wife and my kids from me and leaving me with nothing in this ghost house.
-Not really sir! Law says that in a marriage everything we own, we own them during the contract time. Nothing is permanent! Once it expires, we lose everything. When you sign the break up contract, you only own this house and your second child. But since it is your fault –confirmed by your wife- you cannot keep the child with you. Then you have two choices: Orphanage or mother. I guess you will choose mother.
-Hey hey hey! No one asks me if I want to marry you! Are you guys dealing with the law with your little brains but what about me? What about love? I don’t love you Mr. Lawyer… I cannot marry you!
-Madame! I wish I could offer you a better option. I believe in the recent five years, you also understood that love is not an instantaneous feeling; it is an ability to last. We will learn to love each other…
-Wowww, Mr. Lawyer! You are so logical. What is this? Modus tonens? Or Modus Pollens? But you also must know that love cannot be rationalized by your stupid syllogism.
-It does not matter Madame! My question is, do you or don’t you accept my offer?
-Give her some time! I like the idea actually. At the end, I will have some freedom and my kids will be safe. That is all I care about.
-Yes, I accept…
-You see, 5 seconds is enough for a woman to make life-changing decisions. Even shorter than the time they need to get ready to go out.
-Ok, then. I will prepare the marriage contract this evening. The break up contract will be ready in a minute.
-Ohh, good! Anything else do you want to ask me before signing the marriage contract, Mr. Lawyer?
-Yes, do you still want a hole in the bed for your belly?

Ali Riza ARICAN – 10.06.2009