A page from past...

J is back... We are busy with cleaning the house and buying things to cook! I will return to writing when I have my balance again... Probably, tomorrow will be good to restart...

Now, I am posting a page from Journal of April. I was in Thailand.

10th April 2006 / 21:46 / Bang Saen

I love sea. I love almost everything about the sea. Waves, sand, sunset, food, wind, walking barefoot, feeling fresh and cool, children, forgetting time and being part of the ocean… Sea reminds me infinity more than anything else does. Today, I walked toward to sea for almost 50 meters and the water was still not reaching my neck. I thought how far more I should walk more to arrive to the point where I can drown myself. I remembered the scene from the movie “The Hours” in which Virginia Woolf attempts to kill herself several times in the river. She achieves at the end. She dies in the cold water of the river with her own will. When I walked in the sea, sun was in front of me, on the water, like a floating baloon, bright and hot…

I walked more, the small waves started to reach my mouth and sharp salty taste of water filled my mouth. I stood there, motionless, looked at behind and at front, there was no bobody around me. J was sitting on the beach and I was sure she could not see me either. I felt the gravity of water on my body. If I take a few steps more, my head will completely be under the water. I will not be able to breath and I will slowly die. But I know that is it impossible unless I tie a heavy stone to my foot. A person can not kill himself just by walking toward deep sea. There must be another factor… A reason!

I don’t have a reason to kill myself. At least, not yet! I returned back to beach and had some sweet. I sat on the chairs and read my book. There were young people around and according to J, they were speaking a filthy language. We both got disturbed from their behavior toward other locals and especially toward myself as I was the only farang-looking guy near to them at that time. J said, they said bad things about me. I did not ask her what they were talking about. I am a peaceful person and I don’t want a bunch of bastards destroy my vacation. We started to walk on the beach. One of my favorite entertainments is to walk barefoot and sometimes looking back how the waves wipe out the foot prints. It reminds me life and what we leave behind. We all walk on a finite long beach. Some of us walk in the water so noone can remember that we have walked there. Some of us walk in the sea shore where the waves wipe the prints in a few seconds. Some of us walk far from the waves and their foot prints stay until water level increase in the night. We all leave something behind. Most of the people leave children and properties. Artists leave their art, writers leave their books, and teachers leave their students. And almost all people leave a graveston or box of ashes behind. Physically, we all disappear from this earth but leaving good memoirs and good things all depend on us.

Waves are infinite –a little girl was trying to jump over waves while counting them one by one-. I wondered how many waves striked to this beach since the beginning of the time! How many people walked on this beach before us? How many times the sun sinked in the water as if it wants to cool down at the end of the day while boiling the water of the sea? Sea is a symbol for motherhood for me. It has millions of kinds of different species. Life started in the sea and life also ends –the cycle- in the sea as well. It has the power of infinite dreams and imaginations. I remember the novels on the sea: Mobydick, Old man and the Sea, The Fisherman of Halikarnas etc… They all mention sea as the supplier of life, god of all gods…

After walking a short distance, we went back to our room, took shower and prepared for dinner. There was a nice restaurant near to the resort area. We went there and ate some sea food with a bottle of beer. I like to drink beer when I am near to sea. The sound of waves was inside the faculties of my brain, J was busy with her food, the cold beer was going down to my stomach while making me drunk in each second. I can be drunk easily because I do not drink so often. In fact, I drank yesterday after almost 2 months break. I found drinking is a great fun if there are many friends around and a lot of things to talk about. Sitting alone –or with J- and drinking is not that fun but I did it in the honor of sea. At the end of the evening, I was happy, cheerful and satisfied with my day. We returned home before 8:30 because J wanted to watch the summary of Big Brother. I continued reading my book until the tiredness of the day took me to a deep sleep. Unfortunately, the pillow was so hard that I woke up many times in the night. In the morning, I was not feeling so fresh but I was still happy since there is nothing to worry about for the day. This must be vacation I said to myself… I can sleep whenever I want…