First Day: http://rizaarican.blogspot.com/2011/05/diary-of-mouse-living-in-1407.html
Second Day: http://rizaarican.blogspot.com/2011/05/diary-of-mouse-living-in-1607-2nd-day.html
May 9th 20.. – Monday - 22:44
Dear diary, dearer diary, my dearest diary...
You are the only one I can talk to, you are the only one I can empty my mind into. If I don’t have you, I would be a mad mouse, walking like a Majnun in the deserted corridors of this building.
It rained last night quite heavily. I listened to the rumbles of the thunders till morning and kept dreaming about my sparkling Monday with her. How will she look like when she sees me again? What will she be wearing? Will she be happy? Excited? Nervous? I could not sleep, thinking of all the possibilities, all the combinations... When the morning sun hit my eyes, I ran outside, felt very light with the fresh air filling my lungs and giving strength to my legs. Getting the morning coolness from the wet grasses, I was happy as ever. I took a bath in a large puddle behind the bushes and dried myself in the morning sun.
Then I found a nice pink rose in the garden. It seemed like someone put it there so that I can pick it. I quickly climbed the tree and started gnawing. While working on the branch and daydreaming about my love’s reaction when she sees my gift, two dirty rats with huge bellies saw me and whispered to each other. I could not hear what they spoke but then one of them turned to me and said “You little thing, go and hunt! I will come later to collect my share.” I ignored him and they didn’t seem brave enough to attack me anyway. After showing me their black teeth and grumbling like old grandmothers, they left me alone with my unique ambition. I snatched the rose and ran to the office. I put it on her desk, right on top of her keyboard. Then I hid myself at a corner where I can have a complete view of her desk, her chair, her computer screen and her book shelf. I stayed behind some past exam papers right behind her desk and waited her to come.
I must confess that I needed to wait quite a long time. I have dozed a bit while waiting for her. In that short but somehow intense nap, I dreamed of my ex-wife. She complained about how I became an irresponsible mouse in just two days and how my babies are suffering because of my stupid adventure with a human “femme fatale”. I told her that “I am not going to learn how to be a responsible mouse from you. Did you forget that you are the one who left the babies without mother?” However, her mouth was working better than her brain. She said “I ran away to save them from myself. I knew I could not be a good mother.” I replied relentlessly this time. “What kind of stupid excuse is that? What kind of mother runs away from her babies for a comfortable life with rats? You are not only a bad mother, you are also a traitor. If you survive till the revolution, I will be the one who will imprison you.” Then she looked at my face and with a begging voice she cried out, “I made a mistake. But you should not. Babies cannot bear two mistakes one after the other. Your revolution will never come. This is why I left you. Powerful ones will always rule the world as it happened in the past. I am tired of dreams and I wanted to live my life when I am alive. Please, go back home and feed the babies. Forget this woman! She will hurt you. If not today, tomorrow! But she will definitely hurt you. Pleaseeee! Go now!”
Then I woke up with the noise of approaching footsteps. I knew this dream was about my inner struggles, I knew it is nothing to do with my ex-wife or her leaving me alone with three babies. These things happened long ago and the ashes cooled down. But I had a mission for this morning and I needed to complete it. Otherwise, I would feel blameworthy all my life. I waited for the footsteps to come closer, locked my stares into her desk and tried to keep my heart calm.
However, this coming person was not her. A man with black trousers and a neatly ironed blue shirt came to her desk to leave a note. I think this man works in another office and comes here often to see some of his friends. I saw him a few times watching light porn on this desktop and fighting for his privacy. Of course, it makes sense to fight for privacy when you do wrong things. While he was leaving the desk, the big fat lady from the neighbouring desk came and asked him if he is the one who left the flower on her desk. He said nothing but just grinned meaninglessly. Did he mean he left the flower on her desk? Did the big fat lady reach a wrong conclusion from his silence? But what would be the wrong conclusion? Maybe he wanted to be misunderstood. If no one claims the rose, he can claim it as if he put it there and he can win my love’s heart. Shit! Dogshit! Ratshit! Humans are so cunning, so vulpine, so so disgusting…
I kept waiting helplessly while trying to stop my eyes bursting into tears. If I move to her desk and draw a nice mouse picture next to the rose, she would be getting my message correctly but as long as that big fat lady is sitting next to my sweetheart’s desk, I could not take the risk. I kept waiting and watching people of the office. Two men opposite her desk were talking about the recent job openings and how there was no point in applying because the managers probably already decided who would take the job.
One said to the other one, “It does not matter how qualified you are, it matters how you can work with the management. If you cause trouble for them, if you make so much noise then they will definitely not choose you. The system needs conformists, not disobedient rebels.”
The other one nodded quietly and then said “But I still have hope. The recent appointments were total sham and the noise it caused was enormous. It is better if they take action against nepotism and make some just decisions. Otherwise, this place will be known by favouritism and sheer cronyism.”
The first one grinned as if there was nothing to do but agree. He added after a few seconds “But you know, our manager comes from advertising background. Look at all advertising teachers. All four of them in this office have only two teaching days a week. Manager will never allow us to have such a timetable because once you attempt it he will remind you your contract which mentions 40 hours work a week.”
The other one seem surprised “Are you serious? All four of them have timetables like that? Two days a week? What are they doing in other three days?”
“Yes, if you don’t believe me, look at the online system. It is all there. All you need is to be close to the manager. The rest is democracy!” said the first one.
While their voice was getting louder and louder with continuing astonishment, a guy with ponytail approached right behind them and told them that “Excuse me! I am trying to work here and I need a quite environment to concentrate. Can you please continue your funny conversation outside the office?”. Two guys apologized with ironic smirks on their faces. It did not seem a genuine apology to me at all but it did not matter. No one seemed desiring to have an argument over an issue like this. While the guy with the ponytail was getting back to his cubicle with the same speed he emerged from there, the noisy two guys whispered to each other. At that point I felt like managers to the employees must be like rats to the mice. They do nothing but creating more conflict with their unjust decisions. The more I think the more similarities I caught between mice and people. Same as us, people too cannot bear injustice. Whenever they see it, they want to stand up and rebel. However, there is always a logical explanation. Believe me, dear diary! There is even a logical explanation for cronyism as long as powerful one wants to find one. This is why we need a revolution. This is why the problems of mice cannot be solved by education only. No matter how much we educate our children, rats will educate them more. No matter how many important points we conquer by law, rats will always have more strategic ones. Revolution will turn everything upside down, including their bourgeoisie logic. Anyway, let’s not talk about the revolution now. Let me get back to my story, to the most exciting part.
With the fresh slap on their faces, two guys got quiet for a while and greeted the woman who just entered to the office. This was her, I felt it with all my heart, I felt it from the vibrations of the ground. After all those boring conversations, after all those humanly dilemmas, finally she was here. Her footsteps were the sweetest music I have ever heard in my life, it was the revolution of my soul, it was the first rain after a year of drought…
When I see her legs, I felt like my heart will jump out of my chest and will go to dance in front of her, singing Aloha, Aloha... A full moon rose over me in a cloudy desert night… But I survived the heart beat! Here she is, with a nice indigo blue skirt, purple high-heel shoes and a white blouse covered by a small jacket on her shoulders. What a choice for the most beautiful day of her life! Of course, she did not know that this is the most beautiful day of her life but I knew. Looking from the ground, it was hard to detect the changes in her facial gestures but I was content with what I could see. When she saw the rose, she smiled and then took the note in her hand. After reading the note, she smiled even more, smelled the rose and moved her head around as if she was checking if someone is watching her. Then she put the rose right on the note and made a call. To my surprise, she did not speak English on the phone. It was a language I have never heard of, sounded more like Slavic or Polish! Her conversation was long and loud. Then the same man with the ponytail came out again and warned her not to talk loudly on the phone in the office. He made it clear that “If you want to talk, please go out and talk” She stopped talking on the phone, put her hand on the speaker and looked at him with a face seemed like she did not understand what was it all about. After a few seconds, she apologized too. Ohh my sweetheart, my little kindle... Don’t worry, I will take your revenge. Tonight I will eat his tea bags and shit on his laptop computer. Don’t worry!
After uttering an apology and waiting to see him getting back his cubicle, she left her desk and went outside. What I felt at that moment was actually that the worst possibility was becoming real. She definitely thought that the rose and the note came from the same person. That bastard must have written something meaning that he got the rose for her. Liar! What a cheat! My heart was full of exasperation, full of desire for retaliation. But dear diary, I believe in true love and also non-violence. I believe sooner or later truth will triumph the world and I will gain her heart. I believe and I want the entire world to believe.
When she was back to her chair, I had a very intense urge pushing me towards her. Suppressing the claims of my rational brain, I took the risk and slowly walked under her desk. It was a cosy environment with all sorts of papers, plastic bags, a badminton racket and a box of red wine from California. I got close to her feet, laid down there and watched her delicate toes. I got closer and closer without thinking of the possibility of the fatal hazard. Eventually, love does not recognize boundaries, right? It has no limits… So I was challenging to death and torture, I was challenging to life too. Love cannot be called if it does not pass certain tests. Here it is, I am proving that I love her more than I love my own life. Come here and take my life but do not tell me you don’t love me. Come here babe, come here and take me...
While laying down there and enjoying the happiest moments of my entire life, I spotted a big red scar on her right leg, a few centimetre above her ankle. I knew these scars very well. She must be new to Vietnam and she must be careless when she rides xe om. It seemed exactly like a burn scar from the hot exhaust pipe of the motorbike. Every girl in this country has this scar. As a mouse walking on the ground all the time, I know it very well. Ohh my poor hazelnut, my little “la vache qui rit”! Are you hurt? Are you in pain?
I also realized that my sweetie did not shave her legs for a while. Ehh, I must confess that I like it this way more. A little bit of bristle on the skin will make us closer. Perhaps she did not shave her legs because she knew she was going to meet me today. Perhaps she is also in love with me. What is the point in shaving anyway? Humans shave so that they will not look like animals but their history is full of atrocities that they actually seem wilder than the wildest animal. Yes, they look more attractive to the completing sex –I don’t like using the phrase “opposite sex”- when they shave but deep inside, the core of brutality is still alive same as the root of the hair always remained intact no matter how smooth it looks from outside.
Dear diary, I pitied her for her injury and I respected her for her attempt to get closer to me. These two made me even braver. You know that the line between courage and insanity is very thin, right? I was there, stepping on that line and fighting against my wisdom. However, after few minutes of struggling I could not stop myself and suddenly I have touched her toes with my front feet. I put my cheek on her small toe. It was such a lovely moment you can imagine. Finally we were unified, I was fondling her feet and she was letting me do this like a submissive partner in the game of love. It was a holy moment for me, the holiest ever. Everything was heavenly till she pulled her leg, jumped back from her desk, pushed the desk to speed up on her chair and screamed with a frightened child’s voice. I tried to say “Calm down darling, it is me. It is the one who loves you the most” but she did not listen. The last thing I saw was she was holding her badminton racket, swinging it crazily. I had no choice but run between the boxes next to her desk. With the help of the other teachers in the room, she tried to trap me from both sides but I managed to escape into a small hole and later I entered to the electric cable lines. I saved my life but felt extremely angry and frustrated. I knew she loves me too but how could I make her realize this?
Rest of the day passed with boredom. I fed the babies and stayed with them so that the pain of love will not haunt me in my lonely moments. But dear diary, what should I do? I am truly in love with this girl but things are a bit complicated in her side. I think she is confused or she cannot understand my good intentions. I did my best today to make myself as clear as possible. I tried to show my gentle side, my genuine smile, my truly mouse face. But she reacted exactly the same way she did two days ago. I need a better plan, one which will not leave any space for misunderstandings, one which will bring her to me...
May 11th 20.. – Wednesday – 23:55
Diary,
Here I am, writing again. I am writing because this is the least I can do. Those who know how to live and enjoy living are outside, sucking the fun of life and exploiting every moment of time passing above them. I am doing nothing but writing, like an injured soldier, banned from fighting, sitting in the barracks and waiting for good news from the battleground... If my injury is physical, I would know that time will heal it sooner or later. When the injury is deep inside my soul I know that there is no cure but there is only morphine to mitigate the pain. I wish it was only pain of love then I would feel comfortable at least for no one else is involved. But there is more to it. There is ignorance, negligence and there is carelessness which causes big, unrepairable damages to me and my community. It is easy to forgive someone who hurt you but it is not easy to forgive oneself for what you have done to others. The guilt growing on your shoulders make you weaker and weaker everyday. You shrink to a tiny mouse and finally disappear from the society as if you have never lived. Perhaps, this is why I write, to leave evidence behind my life, some innocent tracks which might change the minds of millions who will come after me and will listen to the history’s harsh judgments.
kkkk cute mouse :)
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