The Contract (As a Play)

After a long time of study break for the Actuarial exams, I am back to work on stories, books and other artistic activities.

Today, I went to meet a few actors by Jennifer's invitation. She is one of the actors&directors of Saigon Players (www.saigonplayers.com) and she actively directs plays. I thought we would be making "chamber theater" but instead, Jennifer (group moderator) brought a few pages from "The Bicycle" for a rehearsal. I was happy to see that the characters in one of my stories will be alive before my eyes. After doing the chatting scene between "Blueberrygirl_VN" and "Trai_Xa_Xu", I offered another story to be acted. This was the last story in the book, "The Contract". She made copies and we quickly added "who speaks which line" signs before each paragraph. Then the play (The Contract) was ready:

A futuristic approach to the marriage institution which became a contract-based agreement in 2020s. A couple (husband and wife) sits at a kitchen table and discusses the break up contract they are about to sign. While waiting for the lawyer to arrive, they start to unfold all the dirty laundries about each other in order to find the most hurting flaw so that they can get the custody of their two children.

In my story, the lawyer is a male but unfortunately there was only one male actor in the group so Ayeshah acted as the male lawyer. I have recorded the entire conversations except for the first few lines. All can be viewed below. Remember that this is the very first rehearsal of the play (story) and the actors never read the story before.

I also added the story below the video. You can also read the lines by yourself. Note that the play is for 18+ age group and there is sexually explicit language in several lines. Watching the actors playing the lines gives much better effect than reading dry lines.It is a comedy so watch it when you are in good mood or when you want to be in good mood.

Enjoy the show,

Actors: Robert as husband, Reni as wife and Ayeshah as lawyer

Husband: Ok, it seems it does not work! Why don’t we start from the beginning?

Wife: Beginning? What beginning? There will be no more beginning.

From now on, we can only talk about the end. I will not sign a new contract.

Husband: Alright! No worries. I won’t sign it either. So tell me who the pianist

is? Why did you bring him to our house?

Wife: I told you millions of times, he came to teach piano to our kids.

Husband: In our bedroom? When the kids were at nursery? And we don’t

even have a piano at home! Be honest for God’s sake!

Wife: So?

Husband: So what? How can he teach piano to our kids when they are not at

home and we do not have a piano?

Wife: I told you that we should buy a piano but you never liked the idea.

Of course, there is no time for anything after you have spent all your energy

in that stupid Gentlemen’s Masturbation Club.

Husband: It is Self-Relief, not masturbation. If every man masturbates once a

day, there will be less war in this world. It is a contribution to the world

peace! And remember, we asked our lawyer if it violates the contract and

he said no. It is a recreational club for men who work hard for their families

and need some time to relax.

Wife: Of course he will say no. He is a premium member of the club.

Husband: Let’s get back to this pianist! Did you sleep with him?

Wife: None of your business!

Husband: It is my business! If I can prove it, the break-up contract will come

up very easily and I won’t have any liability for the past five years and I

can have my son with me because you are not a trustworthy mother.

Wife: What about the damage you have caused?

Husband: What damage? Are you kidding?

Wife: Mental and physical damage! Look in five years; I gave birth to two

children. I endured your sexual fantasies while taking care of the kids.

Look at my breasts! They look like small cabbages.

Husband: They were consensual and according to the contract we signed 5

years ago, nothing is wrong with that. And I did not damage your breasts.

I don’t even remember when I saw them last. Ask your pianist for compensation.

As for the children, I will take one and you will take one. That

is fair.

Wife: No way! Both are mine! You will pay for their schooling and will

come to see them once a month, though it would be nicer if you come

once a year or never come at all. That is it! I cannot let my children learn

all your bad habits. You are always getting drunk and sleeping on the

floor like a sack of wet potatoes, watching sports for 48 hours non-stop,

sleeping without taking a shower, whistling in the backyard to attract the

birds and then when the cats appear, killing the cats, peeing into the

neighbor’s garden while they were sleeping in a tent. Do you want your

children behave like you?

Husband: No I don’t. But I don’t want them to bring a pianist into our bedroom

either. Especially when there is no piano at home! So what did he

play here? Swan Lake or Eternal Climax?

Wife: You keep changing the topic. I am talking about your carelessness,

your self-indulgence in sports and animal sacrifices, your stupid toy collections.

You did not even come to the hospital when our first child was

born.

Husband: I promised my friends at the club, I couldn’t break my promise!

Plus, there is nothing in the contract mentioning I have to be physically

present at my child’s birth. I did my job nine months before you give

birth. If nature is unfair to you, I cannot help. Go and complain to God.

Wife: You are an idiot! This is your child! Have you ever considered that?

Husband: So does he play piano well? Better than me?

Wife: You don’t play piano!

Husband: Ha ha! You know what I mean! Huh, the lawyer came. Exactly on

time! We were just talking about the piano. Do you play piano?

Lawyer: What piano? I thought you called me for the break up contract. I

have brought it. It is a 3 years contract with no liability for both sides as

long as another unification contract is signed at the end of three years.

Husband: No more unification! I cannot unify with someone who unified

with another person in our bedroom.

Wife: Shut up! Nothing happened!

Husband: As you say so!

Lawyer: Listen please! I know this is hard for both of you and especially for

the kids. But get over it. It is just a contract. Life goes on. Have some time

off, away from each other. Maybe you will feel each other’s absence after

a while and will want to come back.

Husband: Ohh! In my absence, she has someone to fill the space! Then I will

never be able to beat him because he plays better piano than I do.

Lawyer: Please, Mr.! It is done! What ever happened in the past just happened.

Maybe because you could not play the piano well so she brought

a better pianist!

Wife: Can we just not talk about the fucking piano or the pianist?

Lawyer: So, we do not need any reason for breaking up because it seems you

have completed your contract obligations successfully. Then I will just

note it as “termination by performance”.

Wife: What? Are you crazy? He knows nothing about being a good husband.

And what about the kids? Who will take care of them?

Lawyer: Well, according to your contract you are allowed to have only one

kid. But you have two. In this case, law calls the situation an “Act of God”

and considers it as an accident.

Wife: It wasn’t an accident. He did it deliberately so I will be out of action

for a year. It is his act, not God’s.

Husband: It was an accident. It happens to everyone, right Mr. Lawyer? Sometimes

you cannot pull out in time. Especially if your woman’s finger nails

stick into your buttock like the teeth of a dog crashes one’s thigh. Plus, it

is her fault because she stopped taking contraceptives without telling me.

So she wanted to have a second kid just to shut up the first one’s neverending

demands.

Lawyer: Can we stay away from the details? Some people may not be interested

in your private lives.

Wife: Private lives? You are our lawyer and you are supposed to know the

details so you can make a right decision.

Lawyer: Yes, yes! She is right. I should tell you also how she enters the

kitchen with a helmet on her head because she is afraid of the pressure

cooker. Or how she asked me to make a hole in the bed to put her large

belly inside so that she can sleep easily!

Wife: What about you Mr. Smart? You are the one who farts in the nursery

in front of the Japanese kids and their mothers. When the teacher

warned you, you are the one that said “They are Japanese. They don’t understand”.

Lawyer: Heyyyy! Let’s get back to the main topic. Who will take care of the

kids? Since the second one is an accident, we can give him to a state-owned

orphanage. The first one stays with the mother.

Wife: No way!!! I will not let my child to grow in an orphanage while both

parents are alive. I am their mother and I can take care of them. Just make

him to pay for their expenses.

Husband: I will take my son, she will take our daughter. That is it.

Wife: Mr. Lawyer! You see him! He is not even capable of taking care of

himself. He cannot even pee into the toilet hole without messing up the

entire bathroom.

Husband: Only in the mornings Mr. Lawyer. And again, this is because she

does not like having sex in the mornings. You understand what I mean,

right?

Lawyer: No I don’t. I don’t even want to understand.

Husband: But Mr. Law...

Lawyer: Shut up!

Wife: Yes, shut up!

Lawyer: I just terminated my 6-month contract with my 31st wife. In fact, I

could not even wait till the expiry of the contract because she pukes on

me whenever I sit in front of TV to watch “Antarctica Got Talent” show.

So I gave up all the deposit.

Wife: What was the deposit?

Lawyer: Some expensive jewelry from 18th century I got from the 29th after

she broke with me.

Husband: So your 29th broke with you in the cost of jewelry. You are such a

sweet man! Why would a woman want to divorce you?

Lawyer: Ohhh! It is a long story but I can make it short for both of you. She

had high cholesterol and consequently had some heart problems. Doctor

banned her to smoke. Then she asked doctor if she can smoke after having

orgasm. Not knowing what kind of hidden plan is lying behind her

request, the doctor gave the permission as one cigarette for each orgasm.

Then our wild rhythm started. We started to have sex five times a day.

Two in the morning, one during the lunch time -usually at a cheap motel

near my office- and two before sleeping.

Husband: Lucky bastard!

Lawyer: Well, I thought so at the beginning but it was not the sex she

wanted. It was the cigarette. As soon as she falls from her climax, she was

having her cigarette, leaving me on the bed, with more hills to climb.

And at that time I was 43 years old. As you can imagine, I was not a walking

vibrator. After a few days of hard-work, one evening I told her that I

cannot keep going like this. Next day she broke the contract and signed

a new one with a nineteen-years-old boy.

Wife: Wowww! That is how you got the jewelry from her.

Lawyer: Yeah. It was the same jewelry I retrieved in my 30th contract successfully.

Anyway, the important thing is now I am available.

Wife: You are what?

Lawyer: I am available.

Husband: What is it supposed to mean? Are you proposing to my wife?

Wife: Now, I became your wife! This must be the last trace of the evolution

in your male pride!

Husband: Shut up!

Lawyer: Why not! I am sterile since birth! I cannot have children and I always

wanted to have. Now, once you sign the break up contract with

“Termination by Frustration” due to the child problem, you and I can

sign a new marriage contract for next one year without waiting six more

months as law requires for “Termination by Performance”. We can live

in my house with your two kids. I have a nice garden and I also have a

piano at home. But I don’t want a pianist at my home until the expiry of

our contract. And you sir! You can stay in this house and can come to

visit the kids once a week. I can add all these items into the new marriage

contract.

Husband: Wait, wait, wait! I cannot believe this! You came here to end our

marriage contract but now you are signing another contract, taking my

wife and my kids from me and leaving me with nothing in this ghost

house.

Lawyer: Not really sir! The law says that in a marriage everything we own,

we own during the time of the contract. Nothing is permanent! Once it

expires, we lose everything. When you sign the break up contract, you

only own this house and your second child. But since it is your fault as

confirmed by your wife, you cannot keep the child with you. Then you

have two choices: Orphanage or mother. I guess you will choose the

mother.

Wife: Hey hey hey! No one asked me if I wanted to marry you! Are you

guys dealing with the law with your little brains but what about me?

What about love? I don’t love you Mr. Lawyer! I cannot marry you!

Lawyer: Madame! I wish I could offer you a better option. I believe in the

last five years, you also understood that love is not an instantaneous feeling;

it is an ability to last in good and bad days. We will learn to love each

other.

Wife: Wowww, Mr. Lawyer! You must know that love cannot be rationalized

by your fancy words.

Lawyer: It does not matter Madame! My question is, do you or don’t you

accept my offer?

Husband: Give her some time! I like the idea actually. It will give me some

freedom and my kids will be safe. That is all I care about.

Wife: Yes, I accept!

Wife: You see, 5 seconds is enough for a woman to make life-changing

decisions. Even shorter than the time they need to get ready to go out.

Lawyer: Ok, then. I will prepare the marriage contract this evening. The

break up contract will be ready in a minute.

Wife: Ohh, good! Anything else you want to ask me before signing the

marriage contract, Mr. Lawyer?

Lawyer: Yes, do you still want a hole in the bed for your belly?